Live like you were dying

Not an hour had passed since his surgery as I slowly walked into his room. The lights were off, the curtains slightly drawn, his body outlined only by the machines flashing lights connected to him. Eyes closed, mouth slightly parted; he was so still he almost looked peaceful. I drowned out the sound of yelling, the beeping of machines and I watched him lay there. It was just he and I.

I had heard late night whispers of funeral plans. They spoke of things he wanted and didn’t want. Memories of regret and moments he was worried he would never have.

His eyes fluttered open slightly and he gave me a half-hearted grin, ‘it hurts,’ he said. I didn’t know what to say, what to do, so I stood there and grabbed his hand. For a man so sick he squeezed my hand so tightly and it gave me hope. Hope that everything was going be ok. Hope that in a few days time we would be back bickering again, getting on each other’s nerves and then me sheepishly crawling back to him asking for help.

 ‘It hurts and I am just so tired. I need to rest. Thank you for coming but please just go,’ he said. I turned to walk away but his grip didn’t loosen on my hand. He had asked me to go but he held onto my hand so tightly. For once the man who was always so strong so resilient was now holding on to me for support. It crippled me with fear.

The next morning he awoke to me standing at the base of his bed. My mother clutched his hand, the last 48hrs of stress apparent across her beautiful face. He looked at us and whispered, ‘the first thing I thought of when I came to was, oh thank you, I made it.’

The road ahead may have only just begun but dearest father know I love you. I am here. And we will fight this.

XOXO

Ps apologies for being really quiet, unfortunately my dad is not well. I promise to upload new content soon but in the meantime send positive energy and love out into the universe for anyone who is ill or suffering at the moment.

Dear Life

"What if you wake up someday, and you're 65 or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn't go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? Its going to break your heart. Don't let this happen" 

Shout out to my beautiful partner in crime who will always be the JayZ to my Beyonce 

History

I could not love you if you could not understand.

I could not love you if you could not understand that your skin colour does not define who you are. If you are white, black, caramel, yellow, red or any other colour you have been blessed to be. Embrace it. Love it. I have been fortunate enough to never experience racism first hand. Friends of mine have. A male friend of mine with darker skin told me he wanted to scrub his skin off so he could be a better person. My heart died hearing him say this. For anyone else thinking the same please hear me when I say - WE ARE ALL EQUAL. You are beautiful no matter what skin colour, race or religion. If someone tries to put you down for your beautiful skin colour that radiates over your entire body they are not worthy of your time. Just because I have pale skin does not make me better than you. Just because you have darker skin, in know way makes you less than me. We are both one in the same.

I could not love you if you could not understand that all love is the same. It does not matter if a person prefers the opposite sex or the same sex. It does not make them different, it does not mean they need a label to define them - the love you give to another human does not define you. The love we give to another human is the same no matter if it is male or female. If I love a woman that does not mean I am confused. If a male friend of mine is in love with another man that does not make him disgusting, or weird or 'gay'. He is still the exact same person he has ever been. He does not need a label to define him, to shape him, to condemn him. All love is equal whether it is between a boy and a girl, two men or two women – heck lets throw an orgy of sexes in the mix. It does not matter.I could not love you if you were racist, sexist or homophobic. 

I could not love you because I refuse to love someone who empowers the oppression of others. Who demonise's and marginalises other beings for having a different skin colour, belief system or for being born a certain sex. I see each and everyone one of us as equal, if you cannot than I am sorry.

All images are by Eleanor Landford

Blurred Lines

I sat with you in the hospital trying to make light of the situation. You sat there with catheters in your arms and tubes pumping medicine into your veins.

You didn’t deserve this - so kind and gentle. You deserved what I had but took for granted.  My mind was dying but so to was your body. I watched you many moments after that day struggling with your disease wishing we could trade places. Wishing I could suffer for you instead.

We were both so sick. One of us had no choice; the other had all the choices in the world.

We laid on the floor in the darkness. I felt your body tense up and your breathing begin to get heavier. I turned around so we were face to face in the darkness. I could see the outline of concern written across your brow. You closed your eyes and breathed in deeply. ‘I love you,’ you whispered to me in the night. I kissed you in return knowing that I could not say it back. I did not believe you, for you see, who could ever love a monster like me? 

He liked you from the start. There was no hesitation. He could see your soul and your soul held nothing but compassion. You swung his little body up onto the slide and helped him slide down. I was there at the bottom to catch him as you had caught me so many times before. We stood there all three of us and I fantasized that maybe one day this picture would actually become a reality. A little family of our own.

On my wall there is a hand written note that says ‘I will love you until the last rose dies.’ I still have that rose forever preserved in my draw. Surrounded by memories I am not yet ready to let go of. Forever preserving what couldn’t be. For you have died my sweet and with death so to dies your love. Your soul has been gifted to another whilst I sit here trying to come to terms with the fact that you have gone.

I type this slowly with tears streaming down my face knowing that I will never see you again.

Maybe we can go on a holiday together at some point you said. This is our holiday, our last trip, our final goodbye. We are travelling in opposite directions with a small hope that one-day we will meet again. But for now you are gone and it is easier for me to just let you go.

Indoor plants are my everything

I love the visual affect greenery brings into a room. I currently have five various ferns scattered throughout my room with hope to keep adding and adding to the collection. Granted I have sourced specific plants that do not require much care as I am quite the forgetful gardener (sorry little ferns I promise I will water your fine selves tonight). 

I love the energy plants bring into a room. A fresh, open and outdoorsy feel to what would otherwise be a room containing four walls of plasterboard. They are vibrant and fresh (when I remember to water them) and add so much character to a space. 

I sound deeply in love with my plants, which isn’t far from the truth. My roommate caught me watering them in the shower the other day and singing to them as I did it. I won’t lie; I was having the time of my life.

I cannot see my obsession for indoor plants disappearing anytime soon, especially hanging plants. The more the merrier I say. So here is some interior porn containing oh so delicious indoor plants to get me through this very dull Friday afternoon. 

XOXO

Panic Chord

Carefree. Happy. Content. Peaceful. 

This is my life. 

There was a period not long ago when this was not so. I was an extremely lost, sad and negative person. I was not proud of the person I was and because I omitted these feelings out into the universe they were the exact vibes I got in return. I attracted people who treated me exactly how I treated myself. It was subconsciously a form of self punishment. A way of telling myself that all the negative things I felt about myself were true because someone else was reinforcing them. 

I became trapped in this world where I relied entirely on another persons opinions and feelings about me. He made me feel disgusting and I held onto that feeling with all that I had. I cherished that person who dragged me so far down that I couldn't see a way out. The kindest thing that person ever did for me was treating me so cruelly that I left. His one kindness was letting me go. 

No one ever saw the person that he was when he was with me. When I spoke of him I spoke of love, tenderness and empathy. What I felt was something extremely different. 

This man has recently been so cruel to two close friends of mine that I can no longer feel empathy or even pity towards him. He has prayed on the things that he thinks will hurt them the most. What he does not see if that he is losing every single person who tried so hard to care for him. Once a group of best friends is now nothing but a bitter aftertaste. 

It actually makes me so sad to see this person he has chosen to be. With so much potential for better, he has chosen a path I would not wish on many. When I expressed this to a dear friend of mine she put all the thoughts and feelings I had down on paper. She was the clarity I needed. To all in a similar situation here is what she said, I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. 

This to me is a clear indication of the person that he has always had the potential to be. He does not deserve your compassion through feeling sad for him at all. Sometimes it takes toxic people to ignite a certain side inside someone. Mind you he already exhibited many traits that he currently displays, he just tended to direct them at you. 

At the end of the day: every word and every action that boy has made or makes is his decision. He cannot excuse or blame anyone for any of it. People like him thrive off being held on some form of pedestal, whether it be an introverted friend or a loving/caring ex gf. They usually get there by manipulation and deceit. The best thing he ever did for you was let you be. 

I havent known you that long but i have seen growth and progression in you since he was out of the picture. Naturally you have things to heal from and become stronger from with time, as we all do after a toxic relationship. But just know that you are FAR better off without him and that EVERY person we meet that isnt good for us, is a lesson in what and who is worthy of our time and love. This allows to see the signs before we get involved and to avoid them like the plague, so as not to repeat history. 

The best advice I have would be truly forgive yourself for being with him and accept that he was a hard lesson to learn in what you do not want in a person. This is a crucial step in accepting that you are worthy of far more than you have convinced yourself you are. Only then will you draw the right kind of person into your life. 

We Are Young