Panic Chord

Carefree. Happy. Content. Peaceful. 

This is my life. 

There was a period not long ago when this was not so. I was an extremely lost, sad and negative person. I was not proud of the person I was and because I omitted these feelings out into the universe they were the exact vibes I got in return. I attracted people who treated me exactly how I treated myself. It was subconsciously a form of self punishment. A way of telling myself that all the negative things I felt about myself were true because someone else was reinforcing them. 

I became trapped in this world where I relied entirely on another persons opinions and feelings about me. He made me feel disgusting and I held onto that feeling with all that I had. I cherished that person who dragged me so far down that I couldn't see a way out. The kindest thing that person ever did for me was treating me so cruelly that I left. His one kindness was letting me go. 

No one ever saw the person that he was when he was with me. When I spoke of him I spoke of love, tenderness and empathy. What I felt was something extremely different. 

This man has recently been so cruel to two close friends of mine that I can no longer feel empathy or even pity towards him. He has prayed on the things that he thinks will hurt them the most. What he does not see if that he is losing every single person who tried so hard to care for him. Once a group of best friends is now nothing but a bitter aftertaste. 

It actually makes me so sad to see this person he has chosen to be. With so much potential for better, he has chosen a path I would not wish on many. When I expressed this to a dear friend of mine she put all the thoughts and feelings I had down on paper. She was the clarity I needed. To all in a similar situation here is what she said, I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. 

This to me is a clear indication of the person that he has always had the potential to be. He does not deserve your compassion through feeling sad for him at all. Sometimes it takes toxic people to ignite a certain side inside someone. Mind you he already exhibited many traits that he currently displays, he just tended to direct them at you. 

At the end of the day: every word and every action that boy has made or makes is his decision. He cannot excuse or blame anyone for any of it. People like him thrive off being held on some form of pedestal, whether it be an introverted friend or a loving/caring ex gf. They usually get there by manipulation and deceit. The best thing he ever did for you was let you be. 

I havent known you that long but i have seen growth and progression in you since he was out of the picture. Naturally you have things to heal from and become stronger from with time, as we all do after a toxic relationship. But just know that you are FAR better off without him and that EVERY person we meet that isnt good for us, is a lesson in what and who is worthy of our time and love. This allows to see the signs before we get involved and to avoid them like the plague, so as not to repeat history. 

The best advice I have would be truly forgive yourself for being with him and accept that he was a hard lesson to learn in what you do not want in a person. This is a crucial step in accepting that you are worthy of far more than you have convinced yourself you are. Only then will you draw the right kind of person into your life. 

Bad Habits

Brushing teeth

Now I know brushing your teeth is normal and healthy, however I am one of those weird people who brushes their teeth all the time. And I mean all the time. Every time I eat, consume a beverage or  if I am stressed out, I go and brush my teeth. I’m a weirdo I know.

The other day after my fifth time brushing my teeth I thought this is absolutely ridiculous. Firstly I am going to damage the enamel on my teeth and secondly my gum is going to start wearing away. Operation save my gums and enamel has begun.

Shaving

I am the worst at shaving my legs. My current partner thinks I’m an absolute feral because I can go weeks, ok let’s not lie months without shaving my legs. In my defence my hair is blonde so you can’t see the hair until I walk into the sun. I am like Edward off twilight my hairs glisten in the sun, so really my partner should be amazed that I am pretty much a vampire. However, for his sake I think it is time I start making the legs a little smoother because no one really likes prickly legs. 

Coffee

Since I started full time work I find that I curb exhaustion with cups of coffee. Now I’m not saying that coffee is bad for you but it is making me paranoid about my teeth. As vicious cycles go this in turn makes me brush my teeth more which effects habit no.1. Ah first world problems. Sorry to say coffee but you are going to have to go.

Passive aggressive

Yes, I am one of those terribly annoying people who says they are fine but inside they are fuming. I feel very sorry for my friends, family and partner because it would be so irritating trying to get me to communicate when they know I’m upset. So I have decided to just get angry and let the emotions go instead of bottling them up. Be prepared loved ones (jokes, kind of).   

Saying yes, but really being a no man

Last but not least I need to stop pretending to be a ‘yes man’. For example I always say that I will come out partying with friends and when the time to get ready and go out I always bail. I don’t mean occasionally I mean always. So I either need to stick to my original answer and go out, or be honest and say from the get go I am just not interested.

PS. Im just going to point out that I have a HUGE head.