Blurred Lines

I sat with you in the hospital trying to make light of the situation. You sat there with catheters in your arms and tubes pumping medicine into your veins.

You didn’t deserve this - so kind and gentle. You deserved what I had but took for granted.  My mind was dying but so to was your body. I watched you many moments after that day struggling with your disease wishing we could trade places. Wishing I could suffer for you instead.

We were both so sick. One of us had no choice; the other had all the choices in the world.

We laid on the floor in the darkness. I felt your body tense up and your breathing begin to get heavier. I turned around so we were face to face in the darkness. I could see the outline of concern written across your brow. You closed your eyes and breathed in deeply. ‘I love you,’ you whispered to me in the night. I kissed you in return knowing that I could not say it back. I did not believe you, for you see, who could ever love a monster like me? 

He liked you from the start. There was no hesitation. He could see your soul and your soul held nothing but compassion. You swung his little body up onto the slide and helped him slide down. I was there at the bottom to catch him as you had caught me so many times before. We stood there all three of us and I fantasized that maybe one day this picture would actually become a reality. A little family of our own.

On my wall there is a hand written note that says ‘I will love you until the last rose dies.’ I still have that rose forever preserved in my draw. Surrounded by memories I am not yet ready to let go of. Forever preserving what couldn’t be. For you have died my sweet and with death so to dies your love. Your soul has been gifted to another whilst I sit here trying to come to terms with the fact that you have gone.

I type this slowly with tears streaming down my face knowing that I will never see you again.

Maybe we can go on a holiday together at some point you said. This is our holiday, our last trip, our final goodbye. We are travelling in opposite directions with a small hope that one-day we will meet again. But for now you are gone and it is easier for me to just let you go.

Panic Chord

Carefree. Happy. Content. Peaceful. 

This is my life. 

There was a period not long ago when this was not so. I was an extremely lost, sad and negative person. I was not proud of the person I was and because I omitted these feelings out into the universe they were the exact vibes I got in return. I attracted people who treated me exactly how I treated myself. It was subconsciously a form of self punishment. A way of telling myself that all the negative things I felt about myself were true because someone else was reinforcing them. 

I became trapped in this world where I relied entirely on another persons opinions and feelings about me. He made me feel disgusting and I held onto that feeling with all that I had. I cherished that person who dragged me so far down that I couldn't see a way out. The kindest thing that person ever did for me was treating me so cruelly that I left. His one kindness was letting me go. 

No one ever saw the person that he was when he was with me. When I spoke of him I spoke of love, tenderness and empathy. What I felt was something extremely different. 

This man has recently been so cruel to two close friends of mine that I can no longer feel empathy or even pity towards him. He has prayed on the things that he thinks will hurt them the most. What he does not see if that he is losing every single person who tried so hard to care for him. Once a group of best friends is now nothing but a bitter aftertaste. 

It actually makes me so sad to see this person he has chosen to be. With so much potential for better, he has chosen a path I would not wish on many. When I expressed this to a dear friend of mine she put all the thoughts and feelings I had down on paper. She was the clarity I needed. To all in a similar situation here is what she said, I hope it helps you as much as it helped me. 

This to me is a clear indication of the person that he has always had the potential to be. He does not deserve your compassion through feeling sad for him at all. Sometimes it takes toxic people to ignite a certain side inside someone. Mind you he already exhibited many traits that he currently displays, he just tended to direct them at you. 

At the end of the day: every word and every action that boy has made or makes is his decision. He cannot excuse or blame anyone for any of it. People like him thrive off being held on some form of pedestal, whether it be an introverted friend or a loving/caring ex gf. They usually get there by manipulation and deceit. The best thing he ever did for you was let you be. 

I havent known you that long but i have seen growth and progression in you since he was out of the picture. Naturally you have things to heal from and become stronger from with time, as we all do after a toxic relationship. But just know that you are FAR better off without him and that EVERY person we meet that isnt good for us, is a lesson in what and who is worthy of our time and love. This allows to see the signs before we get involved and to avoid them like the plague, so as not to repeat history. 

The best advice I have would be truly forgive yourself for being with him and accept that he was a hard lesson to learn in what you do not want in a person. This is a crucial step in accepting that you are worthy of far more than you have convinced yourself you are. Only then will you draw the right kind of person into your life. 

The One That Got Away

I often day dream of you and I. You, the one that got away.

I listened as you told me how she kissed another. I don’t know how she did it; I could never have if I was with you and you were with me. You were the ocean - calm, resilient and peaceful. I was the wind - destructive, cold and distant. But you kept coming back. I know now I was a void to momentarily fill her place; I was the vessel but she was the soul.

I knew you loved her. I waited patiently for you to stop but you never did stop.

You picked me up one night and drove me to the beach. We parked and spent the next hour or so gazing out at the ocean. We barely knew each other but we both stayed there and spoke of love, tragedy and loss. The best friend who died from sadness, the forgiveness you will never allow yourself to feel. Loved ones drugged up abuse and yearning for things we were not allowed. We both spoke of sadness, but I sat there in complete serenity.

You never had to choose one or the other, but you did, and why I will never know.

If I don’t see you again I will be ok. Happy in fact. I know that I met another soul who radiated all the things in this universe that I love. Your spirit was infectious, kind, adventurous, loving and understanding. You were a friend I so dearly needed but you came and went too quickly.

If you can be happy and envious all at the same time, then that is what I am. I am happy because you are happy. I am envious because she has you wholly when all I wanted was a fragment.

You are the one that got away.

Photos by Eleanor Landford

Blank Space

People come and go and we feel loss. People betray us, and we feel hurt, small and invisible. We think, how can I love and care for someone so much, and how can I put so much energy in and be betrayed by them? It happens to everyone in his or her lifetime… multiple times.

People do shitty things to good people; it has absolutely no correlation with ones worth. None.

Think about all the beautiful humans in your life who have been betrayed by someone they liked, loved, cared about. Can you make any connection between that persons worth in accordance with the reasons they may have been betrayed? Not at all, its life. People can be selfish. People lose their way. People act for themselves and in doing so hurt others.

And just as we can be hurt, we’re capable of hurting others too. Unfortunately that’s human nature but its also necessary… we have to take those occurrences and make a judgement based on them, as to whether we deem that person worthy of being in OUR lives. That’s the service to us that betrayal provides, so we can weed out the shitty ones.

Know that you are worth so much and everything you have to offer is not measured by the amount of times and people by whom you’ve been hurt.

Thoughts from the road...

Just a memory...

My heart broke a little this morning when I received some news that someone very close to me is no longer a part of my life. It is so weird to think of how much you have shared with someone whether they be a friend or a partner and to go from such intimacy, trust and love....to nothing. There is such a harsh change between loving someone and losing someone.

Not being able to see them, speak to them or pop over to their house to watch random sci-fi netflix; memories of skinny dipping, museum adventures, late night coast walks and midnight wedges feasts are no longer something of warmth and comfort but something that you wish to forget. Its sad this idea of someone who once meant so much to you merely becoming a memory…

When one of my girlfriends found out she told me that I am allowed half an hour to feel sorry for myself - so cry, yell do what you want but after that no more self-pity, pick yourself up and move on. People come and go and if they aren’t willing to stay in your life than they aren’t worth being a part of it. So remember that the next time someone doesn’t see your worth that you are amazing and if they cannot see that then it’s their loss not yours. 

Tomorrow is a new day, but for now let me have my half an hour. 

Stay beautiful.

Xx