The One That Got Away

I often day dream of you and I. You, the one that got away.

I listened as you told me how she kissed another. I don’t know how she did it; I could never have if I was with you and you were with me. You were the ocean - calm, resilient and peaceful. I was the wind - destructive, cold and distant. But you kept coming back. I know now I was a void to momentarily fill her place; I was the vessel but she was the soul.

I knew you loved her. I waited patiently for you to stop but you never did stop.

You picked me up one night and drove me to the beach. We parked and spent the next hour or so gazing out at the ocean. We barely knew each other but we both stayed there and spoke of love, tragedy and loss. The best friend who died from sadness, the forgiveness you will never allow yourself to feel. Loved ones drugged up abuse and yearning for things we were not allowed. We both spoke of sadness, but I sat there in complete serenity.

You never had to choose one or the other, but you did, and why I will never know.

If I don’t see you again I will be ok. Happy in fact. I know that I met another soul who radiated all the things in this universe that I love. Your spirit was infectious, kind, adventurous, loving and understanding. You were a friend I so dearly needed but you came and went too quickly.

If you can be happy and envious all at the same time, then that is what I am. I am happy because you are happy. I am envious because she has you wholly when all I wanted was a fragment.

You are the one that got away.

Photos by Eleanor Landford

ONE YEAR

A year ago I met someone who I had an instant connection with; he made me feel things I can’t even put into words. I was filled me with a sense of excitement, freedom and positive energy that I hadn’t experienced before.

Overtime he seemed to lose that spark, he became distant and cold and all I wanted to do was shake him, wake him up and make him become the person I once fell in love with. I don’t think either of us were happy any more but I was still holding onto this hope that maybe he would come back. Every now and then I would catch glimpses of the person I knew. I would hold on to the thought that he would once again be that person that made me feel like nothing else in the world mattered, I grasped onto this feeling so tightly that I couldn’t see how unhappy I was making myself. He was no longer that person - he was now a cold, distant shell of the person I once adored.

I knew I couldn’t keep doing this as the current circumstances weren’t making either of us happy. I finally needed to bite the bullet, knowing that I may lose him, and ask him how he really felt about me. When I asked him he paused for a while and his response was ‘well.. I think you are alright’…

I know I was hoping for an answer such as ‘I like you, I want this and I want to make this work’ so in that single moment my heart just dropped. I really had lost him.

I knew I deserved better than ‘alright’ so needless to say things ended, but there was still this hint of self-doubt in the back of my mind going ‘I don’t understand, what did I do wrong?' This is where we all need to halt, take a step back and stop blaming ourselves. Of course, I had a role to play in our relationship and there were times when I did not make things easy, but you can never change a person or make someone feel the way you want them to.

If you keep putting your self-worth in the hands of someone else you will NEVER be good enough. Don’t let someone else take out their insecurities and issues on you. Do not settle for anything less than amazing because that is what you deserve. You deserve someone who adores you, someone who makes you feel good about yourself and vice-versa. You deserve to feel the way I felt in the beginning, excited to see them, to hear from them and to just be around them. You should want to be around each other and uplift one another.

Trust me when I say, I know it is hard and that it hurts. We all wish things could be different but sometimes you can’t fix everything. So for now don’t settle for something ordinary, aim for something extraordinary.