Blurred Lines

I sat with you in the hospital trying to make light of the situation. You sat there with catheters in your arms and tubes pumping medicine into your veins.

You didn’t deserve this - so kind and gentle. You deserved what I had but took for granted.  My mind was dying but so to was your body. I watched you many moments after that day struggling with your disease wishing we could trade places. Wishing I could suffer for you instead.

We were both so sick. One of us had no choice; the other had all the choices in the world.

We laid on the floor in the darkness. I felt your body tense up and your breathing begin to get heavier. I turned around so we were face to face in the darkness. I could see the outline of concern written across your brow. You closed your eyes and breathed in deeply. ‘I love you,’ you whispered to me in the night. I kissed you in return knowing that I could not say it back. I did not believe you, for you see, who could ever love a monster like me? 

He liked you from the start. There was no hesitation. He could see your soul and your soul held nothing but compassion. You swung his little body up onto the slide and helped him slide down. I was there at the bottom to catch him as you had caught me so many times before. We stood there all three of us and I fantasized that maybe one day this picture would actually become a reality. A little family of our own.

On my wall there is a hand written note that says ‘I will love you until the last rose dies.’ I still have that rose forever preserved in my draw. Surrounded by memories I am not yet ready to let go of. Forever preserving what couldn’t be. For you have died my sweet and with death so to dies your love. Your soul has been gifted to another whilst I sit here trying to come to terms with the fact that you have gone.

I type this slowly with tears streaming down my face knowing that I will never see you again.

Maybe we can go on a holiday together at some point you said. This is our holiday, our last trip, our final goodbye. We are travelling in opposite directions with a small hope that one-day we will meet again. But for now you are gone and it is easier for me to just let you go.

Just a memory...

My heart broke a little this morning when I received some news that someone very close to me is no longer a part of my life. It is so weird to think of how much you have shared with someone whether they be a friend or a partner and to go from such intimacy, trust and love....to nothing. There is such a harsh change between loving someone and losing someone.

Not being able to see them, speak to them or pop over to their house to watch random sci-fi netflix; memories of skinny dipping, museum adventures, late night coast walks and midnight wedges feasts are no longer something of warmth and comfort but something that you wish to forget. Its sad this idea of someone who once meant so much to you merely becoming a memory…

When one of my girlfriends found out she told me that I am allowed half an hour to feel sorry for myself - so cry, yell do what you want but after that no more self-pity, pick yourself up and move on. People come and go and if they aren’t willing to stay in your life than they aren’t worth being a part of it. So remember that the next time someone doesn’t see your worth that you are amazing and if they cannot see that then it’s their loss not yours. 

Tomorrow is a new day, but for now let me have my half an hour. 

Stay beautiful.

Xx