Remember December

It was a scattered December and a drawn out January. My heart was holding on so tightly, I knew I should run away, but I kept running back; back to you, back to this, back to a hollow nothing that encompassed us both.

I sipped on tea and stared out the stained glass window. ‘You bore me’, I whispered as you sat there staring emptily through the television screen. You turned to me, your matted mane falling into your face. You always looked at me so deeply, but once admitted to me you saw nothing, that it was just emptiness passing through your mind. 

The rain started to pour heavily, I turned back to my window imagining a day when you might look at me like I was somebody. I heard the door close and you were gone.

You now stood in the pouring rain beckoning me to come out and join you. Yelling, ‘am I boring now?’ As you laid down in the dirt ridden puddles I saw you again as I first saw you. Beautiful, kind, adventurous and playful.

I joined you in the sharp, cold downpour and embraced you with all the strength I had. Leaning in you spoke softly, ‘Race me’ you say. Taking off towards the ocean. I follow, a giggling mess of blonde curls and sodden clothes. I reach the edge of the ocean and you are there waiting. We both take off our clothing piece by piece, tossing them onto the sand that covers the empty beach. Racing into the water I forgot your emotionless thoughts and dark eyes. You were here with me, and I with you. We were one.

You kissed me there, our naked bodies pressed together. You kissed me like I was the only woman you had ever kissed. I for the first time felt valued. We frolicked, just the two of us in and out of the ocean. Our bodies enjoying the freedom no longer trapped in the cotton of our clothing. I was free.

You cleansed me in the waters of this earth and we swam  naked as if a thousand cold hands were washing over our bodies. For a fleeting moment we were one. I loved you wholly and you were looking at me like I was something, instead of nothing.

We wandered out of the ocean. You walked in front and I watched you as I often did. Many times you are clouded by a darkness but I felt in this moment you were finally you, free from the confounds of your own mind.

I ran towards you.

I often felt like I was never close enough, no matter how entwined our bodies were I was never really touching you.

We wandered back.

We got to the path and it was covered by a large pool of water, growing bigger by the second with the heavy downpour. ‘Wait here you said’, as you ran off towards our house. I sat down in the puddle, unabashed of what onlookers might think, absorbed completely in that moment. You returned moments later with a bottle of bubble bath.

You filled my natural bathtub with the syrup and we splashed and squealed making a mound of glistening white bubbles. I had a bubble beard and you a bubble hat. There was no one else but you and I. Free from the glooming dark clouds that fog our minds, free from our realities – this was our moment.

In this moment you fooled me…but I have held onto that moment ever since.

midnight memories

You asked if you could hear my heart, it was whole as you listened but only so you could hear how to break it. I should never have let you listen to my heart.

You look terrified. Terrified that you felt something and terrified of what I would do with those three words. You whispered them to me under the darkness of the night sky. I  believed you, for no one would hurt another so much if they did not.

I sang to you Billie Holiday as we danced in the middle of that empty street. Whilst I was piecing it together you were tearing it apart. You felt nothing and I felt everything as we danced alone on the street.

Photo courtesy of Eleanor - Photography & Graphic Design

L O V E L O V E L O V E

We have all watched movies about extraordinary everlasting love that is never tainted, questioned or forgotten. I would love to be an optimist and say that this is true, that love like this does exist. Maybe it does, who am I to say it doesn’t but I myself am yet to experience such beautiful, unforsaken adulation from another person.

In my experience love is never that simple. I think as individuals we are all caught up in this concept of conditional love, a selfish love that is filled with attachments and needs. When you meet someone you are drawn to them because they meet your needs – these needs soon become strings of attachment to our affection. We may or may not realize this at the time but that person provides something for us, whether they make you feel good, they fill a void of loneliness or even something as vain as ‘they look good’ - there always seems to be a selfish need of fulfilment.

I believe that love should be built around happiness, acceptance and openness. Once the waves of lust wear thinner and thinner (I refuse to let this happen, let’s keep up the sex life spice ladies) all you have left is the deep core of someone. They are no longer masked with this feeling of ‘lust’ that very often gets confused with ‘love’. It purely comes down to them and you. When I love someone all I want is for them to be happy. I want this happiness to occur without any strings attached, without expectations of what they can do for me or what I can do for them; just pure and simple happiness. You will never completely like everything about someone, and vice versa, but you accept and enjoy those differences. To use a famous quote ‘the greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return’.

Pieces of Me