I couldn’t sleep one night, I felt agitated, angry and alone. Everyone around me was resting peacefully and I was tossing and turning. He was in my head for some reason, not because I felt anything or had any attachment to him but because I think I once did and never expressed it. It needed to come out. Twenty minutes later I had written down my stream of thoughts. Written down what I thought, what I felt. I don’t think I have thought of you again since I wrote these words down.
Everyone warned me but I knew I loved you so. In the beginning it was so honest and true how could I say no?
Midnight wanderings of strangers, runs in the downpour of the storm. A kiss goodbye and a kiss hello. Oh my darling I loved you so. You left sunflowers at my door, pancakes on my table and fleet foxes in my ears. Oh how I loved you so.
But eventually the walls came up, I pushed you away, put on a face of complete serenity to keep you at bay. Inside I was dark and in turmoil; an intricacy of beautiful, dangerous lines. I was scared that if you saw what encompassed me you would leave me behind. In the end you walked, slowly, but surely, not from the dark turmoil but from the fact that I tried so hard to keep it at bay.
I would pull you close when I couldn't hide anymore and push you away again when all was settled and quiet inside. You yourself became a twisted artwork darker than I. I didn't even know who you were anymore. My finger painting of freedom - or my Davinci, so coded, intricate and closed. I hoped you were the finger painting I loved so much. I tried to love the other you, I even said I did, but in my hearts of hearts I knew it was untrue. But darling please know that I really did love you.
They told me to leave. Never gave reasons why, just said he is no good for you, I now understand why. Im not sure why I didn't listen, didn't leave...all I do know is that sufjan is my soul and you my darling were the beat to my rhythm. I never even knew you my davinci, my finger painting, my darling. But oh I loved you so.